Hannah

I've struggled the past few days with deciding how much to write about the difficult side of Hannah. It's so much more fun to laugh at her antics and ignore the trials, at least on this blog. However, if some day someone stumbles here who is also struggling to meet the demands of a child with special needs, I want them to know they are not alone, they are not crazy and life is still rich and full and beautiful.

Hannah was the easiest infant of my three daughters, but has--by far--become the most difficult to decipher. Though she is not a "problem" to be solved, some days I do feel like I'm putting together a puzzle with the wrong side up.

Hannah attends a preschool comprised of 50% "model" children and 50% special-needs children. She loves circle time and play time, though she has become easily distractable during seatwork. She's rarely (I wish I could say "never") defiant at school. More often she's loving, affectionate and outgoing. She loves school, looks forward to it every day and, as I have personally observed, she is comfortable and content there.

Home has become another story. Hannah now has daily "meltdowns" right after school as well as over the weekend, during which she bites herself, bangs her head (we have holes in the sheetrock to prove it) and generally goes berzerk. We have tried ignoring her, assuming it is a phase, putting her in time out, rewarding her, redirecting her...I think we've tried it all. At least all that I know...which is far from everything. We are not models of consistency, but Katie and Hailey were raised in the same environment and do not even REMOTELY behave this way. Frankly, if truth be told, Hannah is in a better environment, as Carl and I have settled into married life and parenthood and have gained...at least I HOPE we've gained...some wisdom and ease over the past eleven years.

If Katie and Hailey were not the people that they are, I would be questioning myself as a mother...more than I already am. Have we done something wrong? Is some kind of food sensitivity contributing to this? Should she have another MRI? Is this part of Dandy-Walker? Does she just need a swift kick in the *$!?

Does anyone know the number for the nearest mental health facility? For ME, not Hannah.

I have taken Hannah to a therapist four times now. The therapist, Rachel, has given us a possible, unofficial diagnosis of...get this..."Sensory Integration Dysfunction." They have a name for everything. I feel a littly psycho taking my 4-year-old to a therapist, but the fact remains that Hannah is hurting herself (biting herself until she bleeds on a regular basis, leaving her body open to infection, among other things) and I am not strong enough to physically chase her or stop her. I hate admitting that I need help.

So, there you have it. For those of you reading my blog for some daily levity, I apologize. For anyone who some day reads it for solidarity or assurance, know that you are not alone, you are not crazy and life is still rich and full and beautiful.

Easter, 2007