Never Shake a Baby...Run Away From Home Instead

Am I the only mother in America whose mantra has become school starts soon...school starts soon...school starts soon...? For anyone who doesn't already know, I home schooled Katie and Hailey from Katie's first through fourth grade years (the equivalent of Hailey's Kindergarten through third grade years). I swore I would never become one of those moms who couldn't wait for school to start, but (head hanging in exhaustion and overstimulation shame), I have.

I thought that our "vacation" would rejuvenate me, revitalize me, restore me to happy-mommydom. However, using a tree as a toilet, sleeping in a frickin-freezing tent and spending time in the emergency room for an allergic reaction left me decidedly done in. Even the mountains didn't stand a chance of doing their usual magic.

As of Friday I knew that if I heard "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom." one more time, I would snap. You know those Never Shake a Baby posters in your pediatrician's office? I realize I don't have "babies" any more, but for those times when I'm ready to snap, they give suggestions like:

1. Leave the baby in a safe, secure place, take deep breaths and count to 10 (I have found that no "safe, secure place" exists in my house unless I'm willing to spend the next thirty minutes cleaning up an unforeseen mess)



2. Go to another room or area of the house (They follow me. EVERYWHERE. Like I'm some kind of mommy magnet and they are little straight pins drawn towards me, often leading with the pointed end. And see #1)



3. Ask someone else to watch the baby for you – a parent, a neighbor or a friend (Hey, Mom, could you take the day off, drive 2½ hours and watch the kids while I go have a cup of coffee?...OK, OK, yes I have friends, but they work OUTSIDE the home)



4. Take the baby out of the house for a ride in a stroller or a car (Herding Hannah to the Tahoe--heck, ANY transition--results in even more madness. Kinda defeats the purpose, eh?)



5. Be patient. If you find you can’t calmly care for the baby, or have trouble controlling your anger, take a break. Let the baby cry it out. (Again, this list is obviously for mommies with babies; not five-, ten-, and eleven-year-old children, but it's still somewhat applicable. I could allow the three of them to duke it out for a while, but then I'd have the same results as in #1 again.)

I've come up with my own number 6.

6. Leave all three children with their father (they are half his, you know) while I spend the night in a nice hotel.

And so I have.