Vacation Summation

I've have so many many thoughts banging around in my brain that I need to filter them through a mental triage to prioritize them for this post.

Vacation. I loved it. I hated it. I'm inspired. I'm exhausted. I'm resentful. I'm grateful.

I loved being in the Colorado Rockies: the cool, dry climate; the multicolored wildflowers; the scent of pine and fresh air; the refreshing stream that babbled by our campsite; the bonding and memories created with my family. I loved watching Katie's and Hailey's learning their strength, eating meals Carl cooked over the campfire, telling impromptu silly stories I made up and listening the the girls' resulting laughter.

I hated my limitations, my inability to contribute without tiring, being left behind while others hiked. I hated that Carl had to help me up from my bed. I hated peeing in the woods.

Inspiration surrounded me. The mountains spiritually inspire me, reminding me that Someone bigger created everything, has control when I don't. Yet that knowledge also creates questions that I'll leave for later. My family inspired me, the way they were all (mostly) willing to pitch in, to set up and tear down camp, the help me without complaining (again, mostly), to make up for my previously-mentioned limitations.

I'm exhausted, not refreshed. I'm exhausted by poor sleep, by extra work, by barely-a-solitary-moment.

I'm resentful of the arthritis, of its fatigue, of its theft of life as I planned it. I'm resentful that I need an eighty-something mother-in-law to do my laundry, that my sixty-year-old mother is more capable of cleaning my grout than my forty-year-old self is, that I couldn't hike and help, that I often feel like constant taker instead of a giver.

I'm grateful that I could experience such a rugged vacation with my family, possibly for the last time if my health continues to deteriorate. I'm grateful for a husband who is so energetic and capable, who is so willing to serve in a way that I am unwilling. I'm grateful that I could spend the night with Pop and Ardy; visit with a nearly-ninety-year-old grandmother who still lives independently; share grilled burgers, laughter and a nice glass of wine. I'm grateful to have met another Dandy mom and her family, to feel in-person that I'm not alone. I'm grateful that my mom surprised me by cleaning my house (and the aforementioned grout) while we were gone, that my mother-in-law arrived Monday to help me with do all of my vacation laundry.

I listed gratitude last, not because it is least important, but because I wanted it to be the final thing to enter my mind and this post, therefore letting it linger longer. Exhaustion and fatigue often suck the gratitude right out of me, leaving me pity-full and angry. Have you ever experienced several simultaneous days--or weeks--of sleep deprivation? Or the achiness and fatigue that accompany the flu? That's my life. It makes a person grumpy and sometimes afraid that she'll never feel better again. When I'm at that point I have to pointedly look at my blessings and purposefully be grateful for them rather than resent needing them.

Rambling. I'm just rambling. My mother-in-law left this morning & I have my first moment to breathe since a week ago Friday. Summer has made my blogging sporadic. Hopefully I will get back into a routine soon.