Following is an excerpt from an e-mail sent to my online Dandy-Walker support group.
My son whom has DWM [Dandy Walker Malformation--Hannah's malformation] and is 10-1/2 years old, has a one-to-one aide in school. He is non-verbal, we sign and use a dynavox for all communication. He started to walk only 4 years ago. He went from a wheelchair, to a walker and is now walking on his own. He has come such a long way, but the reality is, he still has a long way to go. He has poor coordination, balance, muscle tone, non-verbal, depth perception, extropia [extropia??? I don't know what that is], etc, etc, etc. He receives physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy through school and privately through insurance. He's been in hippotherapy [horse-riding therapy] for 8 years, karate for special needs, gymnastics and softball for special needs. You name it I try it. Again.... he has come a long long way physically but still has some serious issues.
I've been mildly obsessed with this mom's letter on two levels.
First, I'm thankful Hannah's Dandy-Walker symptoms are much milder than those of the child above. Hannah's speaks like a two- or three-year-old, rather than like the five-year-old she is. Her gross motor skills are delayed, but she finally runs. That's not always a blessing, but I'm always grateful. Hannah's primary problem seems to be sensory-oriented: every sound at school distracts her so that she doesn't do well with seat work...as I've repeated over and over here. Thankfully, Hannah's meltdowns have nearly disappeared. I hadn't considered that until this very moment. Wow.
The second level: that woman sounds like supermom and I am slackermom in comparison. I've contemplated hippotherapy. Katie even took riding lessons at a facility that provides hippotherapy, but I have never followed through for Hannah. Hannah would probably be completely potty trained if we were consistent at home; instead, she continues to have "accidents" regularly.
Why do we do this to ourselves as moms? We compare ourselves to the mom who appears to be doing everything and give ourselves an F in mommy school. Maybe you don't do this. Maybe you have mastered self-approval, raising it to a level of art, like a painting on fine canvas. I, on the other hand, am still coloring with the eight-pack of fat crayons on the self-approval piece of paper from the recycle pile.
5 comments:
do. not. sell. yourself. short.
you cannot even imagine the lack of effort that some parents would be willing to expel. you're doing amazingly and the cynical side of me asks you to question if this mom is really a supermom or if she's performing as one.
It is so easy to compare ourselves to other moms. I agree with Zoey...some moms are great at performing when they know others are watching.
Thanks zoeyjane and our crooked tree. I'm grateful for the support. God knows I'll take it.
I have to come clean, though. I posted only one paragraph of that mom's e-mail. In subsequent paragraphs she told of how the powers-that-be were trying to take away some of the treatment her son was receiving. She was asking for advice, on a specific forum, as to how to keep what little outside help she was getting.
I used one paragraph of her e-mail--without giving it context--to highlight my own insecurities.
I don't know why we do it, but we do. I do. That's why we have friends- even online friends whom we have never met. I am sure I can't say anything you haven't already told yourself, but: What do you know about the REST of the circumstances? Is she raising two other children? Does she have chronic pain? Does she have grandma nearby to drive to some of the various therapies?
I do not for one minute doubt this woman's efforts and accomplishments. She is as exhausted and scared as we are. But the level of need drives her. You and I are thankful to be raising little DW girls who are pretty high-functioning. Maybe if they were not walking, running, talking... we would be getting that hippotherapy, too.
Finally, how many times have your own friends and acquaintances said, "I don't know HOW you do it all. I could never get all of that done!"
So you see, just across town, people are looking at YOU and feeling inadequate!
Much love, Laurie
Laurie,I am one of those moms across town and I do say, "How does she do it all?!!!!!!".
Ang-
Your the best and quit doubting yourself!! I am in awe of you everyday!!
Your friend,
Sheri
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